What have you been thinking, but not saying?
Tension is created when there is a disconnect between what we are internally thinking and what we are sharing with others. They feel that tension, and come up with their own stories of what might be behind the tension, projecting their own worst fears.
Releasing that tension and letting go of those fears requires us to talk about what’s happening. Rather than each of us spinning out our own stories and getting resentful that other people aren’t dealing with the problem, we can share our perspective and listen to what other people are seeing. We might discover that they didn’t see what we saw (so didn’t even know there was a problem), or that they’re not worried because they see how the situation will resolve itself, or that they see the problem and are worried about it also but didn’t want to rock the boat by bringing it up.
Talking about the problem allows us to find a way forward together, rather than each feeling the burden of figuring it out alone.
Example: a client asked for advice on how to address communication challenges with a cross-functional stakeholder. I asked them instead to talk to the person directly, because they might be equally frustrated by the pattern. If they both agree that there’s an issue, they can work together to change the pattern and hold each other accountable to new behaviors. (I’ll note that I have also been given this advice by my therapist for personal relationships 🙂 )
What have you been thinking, but not sharing? I invite you to have a conversation about it with the person involved, and see if tension is dissipated.
P.S. This advice may not apply if there is a power or privilege differential involved. An executive may not be open to hearing feedback that casts doubt on their decisions, as I learned the hard way early in my career when I would challenge the CEO. In such cases, it can help to find other people who are experiencing similar struggles and to share your perspectives to find tactics to navigate those issues despite the power differential.