Maybe you should ask them.
I’ve had several coaching conversations recently where somebody asks me how to handle another person. And my response is generally to ask them, not me. I don’t know what’s going on in their head, or how they are interpreting the situation. Only they do.
The key is to ask in a respectful and collaborative way to build alignment.
What most people do is treat it as a you vs. me situation where we will argue until one of us wins and the other loses. This often ends with the person with more power “winning” by using their authority to threaten to punish the other person if they don’t comply. Of course, that leads to resentment and future unwillingness to do what is being asked, and the cycle repeats.
What I suggest instead is to first get curious about identifying the real problem, and then addressing the problem together. Instead of being locked in conflict across the table, get on the same side of the table and work together.
What does that look like?
One recent example was a manager dealing with a direct report who reacts to any task given to them with variations of “No, that’s not possible”. The manager had been handling it by arguing for a while and then saying “because I’m the manager, just do it” (the ugly stick of authority).
I suggested taking the next 1:1 to explore what’s going on. Point out the pattern of saying “No” and ask about it: “I feel like your first reaction is to resist anything I say – what’s going on with that? Here’s a few examples.” That opens up the conversation in a different way.
— Perhaps the person feels overwhelmed and can’t keep up with their current workload.
— Perhaps the person just doesn’t know how to do what they’re being asked to do.
— Perhaps they just don’t like their current job and don’t want to do it any more.
By getting their input into the pattern, the conversation might allow them to align on what is really going on, and address the root cause (capacity, skill, will, or something else) together.
When you include the other person in understanding and addressing a pattern, you can find a way forward together. So if you’re stuck in an intractable repetitive situation, maybe it’s time to ask “Hey, what do you think is going on here?”
Do you have an example from your experience about going from conflict to collaboration? Please share in the comments!