“Help me understand” and “What am I missing?” are magical phrases for creating a dialogue.
Too often, people see a situation, come up with a plan based on their experience, and start advocating for their plan. But when others advocate for a different plan, it becomes a zero-sum negotiation, where only one of us can be right, so it’s you vs. me.
Instead, how do we work together to find the best plan to handle the situation? We take the time to learn from each other what is driving our different perspectives. If we assume the other person is competent and thoughtful, they are likely seeing something we are not. These phrases help to elicit their observations.
They also show humility, a willingness to engage as equal collaborators where you share your experience, while recognizing you don’t have all the answers: “When I have previously been in a situation like this, I did A. You’re saying to do B, which I’m concerned won’t work because I’ve seen X happen. Help me understand what I’m missing – what are you seeing that I’m not?”
What’s a time when you learned something from a coworker that radically changed your position on how to handle a situation?