Repair the relationship.
When we realize we’ve done something wrong, we often want to jump straight to what we’ll do differently in the future. But that skips a vital step: acknowledging the impact of our actions, and apologizing for what happened.
I’ve had a few recent coaching conversations where clients realized they did not show up as the leaders they wanted to be, and immediately started coming up with different ideas of how to move forward. I loved the enthusiasm, but gently pointed out that those affected may not be ready to move forward until their perspective felt seen and heard.
The repair is not about justifying your own actions, but about acknowledging what happened. It means taking ownership of how your actions contributed to another person feeling unheard or powerless or injured, even if that wasn’t your intent e.g. “I got so excited that I did not acknowledge what you were saying, and I’m sorry for that”.
Everybody wants to feel heard and understood.
Everybody wants to feel some control over their own lives, and to contribute to making a difference in the communities to which they belong.
When we impinge upon that autonomy, it affects the relationship. To move forward requires acknowledging what we’ve done.
What can you acknowledge that will improve a relationship that matters to you?
#relationships #power #youhaveachoice
P.S. I didn’t realize it until I was finishing writing this post, but this also applies to parenting a toddler, and even to the discussion of reparations for slavery in the US. Meaningful equitable relationships depend on the person with more power or privilege acknowledging and respecting the perspective of their partners.