We create our experience by choosing where we focus.
I was talking to somebody last night who resisted all of my suggestions for him, pointing out why they wouldn’t work. I pointed out his cynical stance, and observed that while there are always reasons why something won’t work, there are also always reasons why it could work. I suggested he experiment with a hopeful stance, where he first looks for reasons why something could work before dismissing it. His cynical stance was keeping him from trying anything, and that meant he was making no progress towards his goals.
I’ve recently been reflecting on how the same choice applies to belonging. When I meet somebody new, I can choose to focus on the ways in which we are different, or the things we have in common.
In an initial coaching conversation, I look for points of commonality to create connection, whether it’s the shared experience of parenting, or a company we have in common, or a place we both lived, or some experience we’ve both had in our careers.
And yet in many social situations, I take the opposite approach, and look for the reasons why I’m an outsider that doesn’t belong: I work in a different industry, I don’t have the same background, I haven’t shared the experiences of that community, etc.
Either way, I’m creating my own experience of belonging. There are dozens of dimensions of identity, so I can choose whether I belong or not by which dimensions I focus on. As many spiritual traditions remind us, we always belong along at least one dimension, which is that we are humans doing the best we can in this world.
The same applied to my client. By focusing on what wouldn’t work, he was creating the experience that everything was hopeless, and he may as well not even try. I believe that by taking a more hopeful stance, he will start trying things and gathering evidence that he has more options than he thinks.
In our complex world, we can find evidence for anything if we try, so choosing where we focus determines our experience in the world.
What evidence do you currently have for a core part of your experience?
What would happen if you looked for evidence to support the opposite viewpoint?
#belonging #mindset #youhaveachoice