Treat it like a tantrum.
I have two young kids, so I am learning to deal with tantrums. The key is for me to realize that their tantrum is not about me – they are expressing their big feelings about the situation. When I take it personally as an indictment on my parenting, I get emotionally entangled, and then it escalates; my need to prove I’m right leads them to feel even more frustrated, which leads to the tantrum getting bigger, which leads to me getting more frustrated, etc.
When I can instead stay calm and say “What’s going on?”, my kids have the space to process their emotions and frustration, especially when I mirror back what they are saying so they feel heard. With that space and mirroring, they can sometimes calm themselves down without me having to do anything further.
Similarly when somebody at work is freaking out, they are often falling back into a toddler state, where they are completely taken over by their emotions and frustration. When that person is also the boss, that can lead to emotional chaos in the workplace, as people are leaping to make the boss happy (give the toddler the candy they are screaming for!), and getting frustrated in the process because nothing is working.
In such a situation, I advise treating the other person as I do my toddler. Stay calm, realize it’s not about you so you don’t need to take it personally, and mirror back what you’re hearing. Ride it out, and let it dissipate. Trying to reason with them in the middle of the tantrum does not work (try it with a three year old!). Logic only works when they are calm, after they have had time to reset their nervous system to a resting state.
So when you face that situation, recognize that the tantrum will pass, and your job is to create the space and calm for the other person to calm themselves down. Then you can have the discussion you want to have.
#managingup #emotionalintelligence #parenting